First of all I just want to say that nothing I say, including this, is important.  Only what God says is important.  But if you disregard this paragraph you might accidentally listen to me.  That might infer that I know something different or more than you, and we simply can’t have that.  We are all equally slime and God is perfect.  So don’t listen to me, except for this.

Praise God for statistics, before humanity had statistics we didn’t really know anything.  Now with a few basic rules and powerful computers we can finally know something.  This includes our use of the Bible.  For almost 2000 years people didn’t hardly know nothing about the Biblical texts.  But now that we can analyze these text using scientific methodology we can finally understand what they are talking about.

Take the book of Mark for example.  You might think it is a masterfully written account of the gospel story.  But some statistical analysis shows us that in fact it is just a list of simple words put into a confusing order that can mean almost anything.  In fact the most common word in the book is ‘the’.  That’s right the word is used 867 times.  I think God is trying to tell us something here.  According to the random dictionary that came on my computer ‘the’ means:

1 denoting one or more people or things already mentioned or assumed to be common knowledge: what’s the matter? | call the doctor | the phone rang. Compare with a1.• used to refer to a person, place, or thing that is unique: the Queen | the Mona Lisa | the Nile.• informal denoting a disease or affliction: I’ve got the flu.• (with a unit of time) the present; the current: dish of the day | man of the moment.• informal used instead of a possessive to refer to someone with whom the speaker or person addressed is associated: I’m meeting the boss | how’s the family?• used with a surname to refer to a family or married couple: the Johnsons were not wealthy.• used before the surname of the chief of a Scottish or Irish clan: the O’Donoghue.

2 used to point forward to a following qualifying or defining clause or phrase: the fuss that he made of her | the top of a bus | I have done the best I could.• (chiefly with rulers and family members with the same name) used after a name to qualify it: George the Sixth | Edward the Confessor | Jack the Ripper.

3 used to make a generalized reference to something rather than identifying a particular instance: he taught himself to play the violin | worry about the future.• used with a singular noun to indicate that it represents a whole species or class: they placed the African elephant on their endangered list.• used with an adjective to refer to those people who are of the type described: the unemployed.• used with an adjective to refer to something of the class or quality described: they are trying to accomplish the impossible.• used with the name of a unit to state a rate: they can do 120 miles to thegallon.

4 enough of (a particular thing): he hoped to publish monthly, if only he could find the money.

5 (pronounced stressing “the”) used to indicate that someone or something is the best known or most important of that name or type: he was thehot young piano prospect in jazz.

6 used adverbially with comparatives to indicate how one amount or degree of something varies in relation to another: the moreshe thought about it, the moredevastating it became.• (usu. all the ——) used to emphasize the amount or degree to which something is affected: commodities made all the more desirable by their rarity.

So, God is trying to tell us something that we already know.  It’s right there in front of us.  God assumes that this is all common knowledge, he is just repeating himself for fun.  Second, this book is all about pointing forward.  People like to think that only the Book of Revalation is about the future but Mark is mostly about the future of clauses.  Like santa clause.  So he is saying we already know the future.  It is within us.  Third, God is not into particulars.  Whichever way you find to god is the right way.  Remember the future is within every one of you.  You already have the power to have your best life now, it’s Friday everyday.  Fourth God has had enough of all this arguing and struggling.  The inner utopia of the future is in you now, you have enough.  I don’t really understand the rest of this definition, but I am really excited about it.  It’s a god thing.

The second most popular word in Mark is the word ‘and’.  This should be no surprise.  God is a God of unity and ‘and’ is all about putting things together.  God want’s everything to be together, that’s what Mark is saying. The lion and the lamb together.  Catholic and Muslim and Protestant and Buddhist and Hindu all together in heaven forever.  That is the real message here.

The third most popular word in Mark is ‘he’.  This is mainly because the book was written by men for men.  Women were not allowed.  They were not allowed to talk in church, because everyone born before 1960 was a sexist cave-man misogynist.  In Biblical times women were routinely dragged through the streets just for the fun of it.  When they were not being beaten at home they were forced to walk around on special woman streets wearing large sacks made of reeds that covered every inch of their bodies.  Except for the weekends when they were paraded before the lions in their underwear for sport.  Today we have risen above this, our women parade about in their underwear whenever they want, which seems to be most of the time.  They make their own decisions which includes leaving their husbands most of the time.  We are so much better than them, just breath in the superiority. 

So if you are not saved, get plugged into one of these religions.  Remember you can’t go wrong because it’s all inside of you.  Everything you need for the future is one within you.  So don’t leave here today without letting one of our salesmen put you in a new religion.  For a limited time we are selling them for the small price of putting up with our warm fuzzy welcoming committee.  They will force feed you cookies and coffee ’til supper time.  And then take you back to their little house on the prairie to show you how holy they are and possibly hook you up with a sweet pyramid scheme.