I just returned from a short trip to the spandex universe, by which I mean Colorado.  Where everyone is desperately trying to prove that they are a 24 year old male–dipped in spandex.  I have a problem with all aspects of this.

First of all, has every notion of self respect gone out the window?  Is it really all about function?  As I have said, people used to consider others when they picked out what they would wear in public.  There was shame in looking like a slob or a bum.  Now there seems to be little shame in looking like you were dipped in black paint and someone stamped Nike on your butt in neon green.  Now people just dress to express themselves.  I’m not sure if you realize this but there are these things called automobiles, which you can buy quite cheaply.  In addition, this is a car based society, we even design our cities around them.  You can get food, go to the bank and pick up prescription drugs, all without even leaving your car.  It’s wonderful.

Oh but I’m working out, trying to stay in shape, and spandex is just more practical.  Really.  So trying to reduce air resistance, by buying expensive biking or running clothes and the lightest shoes or bicycle you can, helps you work out better?  It seem to me that if you wanted to get the most bang for your buck, you should wear cargo pants with a couple pounds of lose change in the pockets, while riding a one speed beach cruiser.  Now that’s a work out. It also works well if you are training for the big give-money-to-some-hippies-running-in-the-mud race.

Oh, but I have to run around in a neon sports bra and spandex underwear, otherwise I chafe.  Again put some baggy clothes over the underwear and you can increase your wind resistance and cultural respect in one fell swoop.  And don’t tell me it’s too hot.  I think we all know you like putting your little butt out there in rush hour traffic.  If you were really concerned about just running, cool temps and modesty you would be running at 6AM.  So, the only time spandex should be seen is if you are in the olympics.

But, worse than the issue of modesty is the problem of gender confusion.  We have been so caught up in the notion of equality under the law, which was a bedrock of our national identity, that we have come to believe that everything should be equal at every time for every one.  Just because you have a right to be treated fairly when you come before a judge to work something out, doesn’t mean that there are no differences.  Differences are great, how boring would it be if we were all Obama’s vision of ‘equal’?  We all live in concrete squares doing exactly what he tells us to do.  We all make the same amount of money and have the same job and we wear jumpsuits from Star Trek.  Not the new one, the one from the 80’s, because Obama says so.  The sad reality is that this has been tried countless times, it’s called Communism and the only thing that is equal is the poverty.

You may want a world without gender or differences, but the reality is that men and women are made the way they are.  You can accept it or be insane.  Sanity is not based on the status quo, it’s based on our adherence to reality.  The God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, created reality, if you deviate from his reality you are insane.  That’s just how it works.  And seriously, we are supposedly all scientific, and you want to argue with chromosomes?  Why not take pleasure in your differences?  You are a man, do guy things with only guys, stop trying to express your feelings constantly, dress like it, cut your hair.  If you are a woman, throw a skirt over your spandex, stop trying to hang out with the guys, and grow out your hair(again more wind resistance).

And if you are old, don’t try to pretend you are 24.  It’s ok to be old and do things slower.  You have skills and wisdom and money, use them to teach other people.  Don’t let anyone convince you to worship youth.  Watch Napoleon Dynamite and thank God you are not still in High School.  And if you are 24 don’t look down on people who are much older, just because they have better things to do than find out what the latest app is and how it will waste countless hours of their life.  You are probably much dumber than you think, you probably can’t spell or read good, and the one tiny specialized skill you do have probably doesn’t really matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

But what I’m really trying to say is that you probably don’t have any super powers, so stop it with the spandex.